Raising Renesme
by twilightparody
Summary: Follow the Cullens in raising a devilish Renesme .Just for the laugh : .Mostly OOC .Cannon pairiings CxES ExB JxA EMxR.Rated T for future swearing .summary sucks,but the storys good .
1. Singing problems and hair dye

Renesme growing up

Empov:

"Why, " I screamed, "I don't wanna go horse riding its stupid okay thats Jaspers job to be girly not mine!"."Hey! I was a major in the army not a freakin' girl on a horse!",screamed Jasper ."If i don't get my ponys I will call Carlilse you know what happens when I cry in front of Carlilse don't you?you lose!",threatened Renesme. Damn that child is scary sometimes ."MY CHILD IS NOT SCARY", screamed Edward .Shit I forgot that guy can read minds ."Okay okay Ness we will bring you horse riding", says Jasper giving in ."Fine but I am not riding a horse!its stupid im a tough guy okay guy!I screamed ,"im not gonna start shitting rainbows and wearing make-up okay" I said .

Nessiepov(renesme) :

YAY! I got my way again MUHAHAHAHA ."Ness thats not very nice" shouted dady from upstairs .Stupid thought reading old man I thought in my head ."Hey okay thats it im telling your mother when Alice is finished torturing her with shopping!",said daddy .Hehe lucky for me I just bring out my tears and everything goes my way .

Jaspov:

Who does Emmett think he is telling me im a girl I am manly okay I have a girlfriend I do not shit rainbows and wear make -up ! I was a freaking major, okay MAJOR JASPER WHITLOCK .Nobody messes with me or I will get Alice hehehe."Jeez calm down dude" Edward called.I am also not looking forward to the car ride EMMETT SINGS ABOUT EVERYTHING .He sings when Nessie is eating:"your eating Nessie ,your eating a cheese burger a cheesy cheese burger its funny cause i cant eat a cheeseburger cuz im a freaking vampire" sings Emmett."Shut the hell up we are in McDonalds ,you can't say stuff like that in mcDonalds"screamed Alice."Oh i thought i was in the shower", said Emmett. Alice stared blankly at him for 10 minutes "With everybody here with you" ,said Alice."Yeah im quite sexy you know", said Emmett ."HE'S MINE!", hissed Rosalie. Now everyone is literally staring."I think we should go", said Carlilse with his hands in front of his face even when we are walking : We are walking in the street ,I have two feet,Alice wants to go shopping and Jacob just wants to eat ,Nessie needs to pee ,Edward is screaming at me ,i wonder why everyone is starin' jeez Alice is only choosin' what we will be wearin' ,Im gonna stop singing cuz this person staring at me ...weirdly !."Stop being an idiot ",screamed Edward .Well you get the idea.

Empov:

I am singing my amazing song while we are driving to the stables it goes like 5,6,7,8 :"We're driving in my car my awesome car ,cuz my car is no.1 ,its better then Edwards cuz ,his car sucks really really , bad" sang Emmett. "Yeah okay we get it ", started Jas but i cut him off "My car is a monster truck a big monster truck his is a stupid volvo... "SHUT UP UNCLE EM!" ,said that was rude god its like she hates my song .Weird child ."Are we there yet ?", I asked the Girly,Emo,Blondie,Cowboy Vampire named Jasper ."Sadly we aren't even close ",he said what a weird back to the point. My songs deserve respect I am very good at songs ,hmm he hates my song I will have to get my revenge hehehe ."Jas ?"I asked not that suspiciously ."What Emmett ?" sighed Jasper ."Does Alice happen to have any pink hair dye ?"I asked ."Of course Alice has pink hair dye ! Its ALICE!" he shouted .Execelent.


	2. Nessie and Ice cream

**ariving the stables**

**Nessie's pov:**

**So I was in the car and uncle Em is singing this terrible song ,like Omg! like shut the hell up I screamed "SHUT UP UNCLE EM!"."Well soooorrrrryyy aren't you just a ray of sunshine", said Emmett sarcastically.**

**"Just hurry up and give me my PONIES!"Iscreamed I like ponies okay ,I am a vicious ,devious child who likes we are driving past this shop and I see and add for ice-cream so of course there is only one way to get one ...scream!**

**Jaspov:**

**I was in the front seat of the car beside Emmett when I heard Renesme screaming the bloody mary ."I want ice-cream ,I want ice-cream"!. "No demon your not allowed to have ice-cream",Emmett shouted back to her.**

**" What Emmett meant darlin' was its too near lunch to have an ice-cream",I said calmly."Ice-cream for lunch !,I want ice-cream for lunch",screamed Renesme."Jesus Jasper give her the ice-cream who was stupid enough to say no in the first place !" said Emmett."Um,you did genius !"I retored.**

**Then the annoying kid (not renesme) was singing :Were buying ice-cream ,because Ness wants ice-cream ,she wants some god damn ice-cream ,so Jasper pay for the ice-cream .**

**"Why me !",I said ."Because I left my money at home", Emmett replied.**

**AFTER BUYING ICE-CREAM**

**EMpov:**

**10 minutes later I was driving up a dirt road when all of a sudden',**

**"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PONIES!**"screamed Nessie ,"I love ponies !".Then the weirdest thing happened ...


	3. MrEmosparkles and third person

This story goes out to lochnessmonster911 ,thanks for your help and support :)May the marshmellows love you characters are not ours if they were twilight would be a bit different.

_chapter 2 :_

**10 minutes later I was driving up a dirt road when all of a sudden',**

**"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PONIES!**"screamed Nessie ,"I love ponies !".Then the weirdest thing happened ...

EmPOV:

Jasper jumped out lof the car and ran into the stables,screaming "OMA THE BEAUTIFUL PRETTY AMAZING WONDERFUL MAGICAL PONIES MUHAHAHAHA".That was the strangest thing I have seen in my life besides seeing Bella high ,shaking that thought out of my head I listened to Nessie."Wow and I thought I was bad "she snorted right there is why I snapped."RENESME CARLIE CULLEN HOW DARE YOU SNORT LIKE YOUR FATHER EDDIE BOY ,ITS NOT ACCEPTABLE YOUNG LADY DO YOU WANT TO BE LIKE YOUR FATHER DONT GO TO EDWARD'S SIDE STAY ON THE INSANE VAMPIRE SIDE AKA: ME ,JASPER,ALICE,AND ROSALIE STAY WITH US STAY" ,I screamed as loudly as I could ."Ummmmm are you okay Emmy"asked Nessie ,silly girl im absolutely fine."Of course why would you say such a thing"I asked .Time to follow Jazzysparkles .While we were walking something crossed my mind im already giving Jasper payback so now its time for Nessie's it should be fun."Emmett wants to find Jasper ,Emmett says to Renesme " third person hehe."Why are you speaking in third person?"questioned Nessie."Emmett says because he is talking in third person"I said .We caught up to Jasper who was hugging a pony so tightly I could of swore he was choking it ,I mean does the dude even know he was a vampire ?.

JasPOV:

I was hugging my pony who I named Mr .Emosparkles when Emmett and Renesme come up to me ."Emmett says hi to Jasper"said Emmett .oh no he is talking in third person great you think a guy can't get any more annoying and then there is Emmett ."Just pick a horse Emmett ,Ness which one do you want darlin' ?"I asked ."Um the white one the white one !"she screamed ."Okay Ness gets the white one which one do you want Emmett ? "I asked."Emmett doesnt want to ride a pony ,Emmett thinks they are stupid ,Emmett says OMS look at that pony!Emmett thinks he loves this pony ,Emmett wants to ride this Pony!"he said ."Um okay so Ness you are riding the white one im riding Mr .Emosparkles and Emmett you are riding that one

to be continued ...


	4. Flying badgers ,spongebob and candy

:) A big thanks goes out to lochnessmonster911 for the names of Emmett and Renesme's horses. Check out her story "**what if Bella died giving birth to Renesme".**

_"Chapter 3:  
_."Um okay so Ness you are riding the white one, i'm riding Mr .Emosparkles and Emmett you are riding that one.  
to be continued ...

EmPOV :  
Oh no he didn't my horse is not named "that one" my horses name is Jacob ! "Excuse me Jazzysparkles my horse has a name you know !" "Well then what is his name ? " he said in his stupid annoying southern accent ."His name is and will always be (no matter what the stables actually called him) JACOB! " I said ."No! that is my horse's name after Jakey "said Renesme .So she was trying to steal my horse's name well that wasn't on I was gonna go all Emmett style on her."But Nessie please pretty please let me call my horse Jacob ! Dear sweet Renesme ,beautiful ,smart ,pretty ,adorable Renesme " I pleaded ."NO N-O spells NO",she screamed(I didn't know she could spell...interesting)."OKAY LISTEN YOU..." ,suddenly I felt a wave of calm come over me .One tries to steal my horse's name and the other stops me from doing anything about it hmm... when something like this happens there is only one thing to do dududuh THIRD PERSON (again! )."Emmett wants Jasper to stop making him feel..."I was about to finish my sentence when Jasper rudely interrupted me ."Just get on the fecking HORSE!"he screamed ."Jazzy?" Renesme asked . "Yes darlin' "he replied , "What does fecking mean ?".Hehehe priceless .

JasPov :  
The trip lasted 2 hours and we finally made it ,Esme ,Rosalie ,Edward ,Emmett , ,Renesme and I were sitting on the couch watching spongebob (Oh Joy) because Nessie threw a tantrum."SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS SPONGEBOB!SQUAREPANTS! " I swear I looked like I was about to kill myself I couldn't take it this was even more annoying then Emmett. I heard Alice's car pull up the drive I was glad because if it wasnt bad enough already Emmett was singing along.I walked outside to see my beautiful Alice but I istantly regretted my decision as she was dragging a helpless Bella by the arm who was carring Alice's shopping bags .I turned to walk away before Alice asked me to get the rest (yep there is more ) but of course Alice being Alice noticed me right away ."Jasper ,Jas come and get the rest of the bags out of the car please! Bella! don't drop that bag, the dress in it is one of a kind!"she shrieked .I just shook my head and chuckled especially since Bella is now a vampire and still can't escape the horror of shopping with Alice,but can beat Emmett in an arm wrestle .I put the bags in Alice's and my room and walked back down the stairs at human speed .SMASH!."EMMETT! " screamed Esme .Who else."I swear I didn't throw that badger into the vase !"he said ."Emmett Cullen !"she screamed ,if she wasn't a vampire she would of turned a deep shade of red I swear ."Alright,alright I was simply trying to teach it how to fly!" he explained .The anger in the room was too hard to control I was going to explode! So I did what I do best wich is SIT IN THE CORNER ROCKING BACK AND FORWARD MUMBLING ABOUT BAD VIBES ! ,But Emmett didn't seem to care he just said" Ooooh Renesme's space hopper yay!, bounce bounce bounce im a kangaroo" while bouncing around the sitting room.

EsPov: (YAY ESME POV !)

I swear he is the worst out of the lot ,he can't sit still for fucking five minutes and has the attention span of a goldfish.I decided to go to my panic... I mean art room .Carlilse ran to his study room as fast as he could and closed the door saying something about children from hell,before I could escape to my pan..art room Emmett asked me "since you don't want me to teach bagders how to fly I have decided to use unicorns instead "he said."Emmett take twenty dollars and go buy some candy "I said .Emmett took twenty dollars and ran the whole way to the candy store .Five minutes later he came back and walked up to me and hugged me saying that I was so sick that I forgot that vampires couldn't eat candy and went off to find Carlisle to see whats wrong with me .


	5. Puppies,Alice and hospital part 1

Thanks ( again) to lochnessmonster911 for helping with this chapter.

We do not own twilight or any of the characters sadly.

Chapter 4:

Five minutes later he came back and walked up to me and hugged me saying that I was so sick that I forgot that vampires couldn't eat candy and went off to find Carlisle to see whats wrong with me .

EmPOV:

I was bored really bored ,hmmm what to do ,I decided to ...buy puppies! I ran down the stairs and got into my awesome car and I quote "awesome car " anyway about 20 minutes later I pulled up outside animal rescue and got five adorable Bichon Frise dogs, two adults and three puppies .Rocky ,Fluffy (adults) princess ,daisy and lady (puppies)(girly names I know).Yes i'm the type of person who buys puppies when they are bored so what it's not the worst i've done (skipping unnessary flashback for your own benefit).

APOV:

I was going to kill Emmett ,any minute he was going to come through the door with FIVE! dogs .I heard his car pull up the drive way and ran outside to shout and then I saw the cutest little puppy in the world ."AWW ! That one is mine I will hug you and love and feed you and name you ...wait whats her name ?"I asked."Her name is princess and if you don't tell Carlisle on me just yet then you get to keep her "he said in a sing song voice .I nodded my head plus princess is a perfect name. I brought her up to my room and started to play with her while thinking about what I should get Jasper for our anniversery .I have been saving money for it too , because last year I forgot and I grabbed an empty bottle of fly spray from the cuboard .It had to make up for what happend last year I even had to cut down shopping to only TWO TIMES PER DAY! I still shudder at the thought .

RosPOV:

Renesme and I had planned to go shopping today and I decided to see if Alice wanted to go. Psshh like I even had to ask but still.I walked down the long wide hallway full of paintings(why do we even have that much paintings) and finally made it to her room.I knocked once and heard her say "come in". I pretended not to notice the puppy in her hand and said "Hi Ali I wanted to know if you would like to go shopping with Renesme and me"."I though I was in a fucked up dream when I heard her response ."No thanks"she told I just back away slowly I can go get some help ."Okay seeya Alice"I said and closed the door .The minute the door closed I ran down the stairs at vampire speed! "CARLISLE ! " I screamed ."Whats wrong Rosalie is everything okay ?" he asked ."No Carlisle everything is definately not okay "I said."If this is another problem regarding your mirror being crooked I will deal with that later"he told me ."No Carlisle there is something wrong with Alice !" I shrieked .At that point everybody besides Alice and Edward was in the room ."Wait whats wrong with Alice ?"Jasper asked he was obviously panicking,"JEEZ WOMAN WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALICE!" he screamed."Yeah whats wrong with auntie Ali?" Renesme asked almost in tears ."She doesn't want to go shopping !"there I told them the heartbreaking news .Carlilse was straight up the stairs along with Esme .

This is only part 1 of chapter 5 :)


	6. Puppies,Alice and hospital part 2

**I know its been ages but next chapters finally up yay!**

CPOV:  
OMM(OH MY MARSHMELLOW!) "My baby!" I screamed , as I ran up the stairs ."Alice we're gonna call the AMBULANCE ! Don't panic it's all going to be okay !" I picked her up bridal style ignoring the puppy (wait puppy I was going to have to interigate Emmett later).Then Edward opened the closet door and got out "OH MY MARSHMELLOW whats wrong with Alice "he said. "Um Edward why are you in Alice's closet "I asked him with Alice struggling to get out of my arms saying something about being fine,I didn't listen it was obvious that Edward needed help more right now."This was all a dream " he said in a creepy stalker voice and climbed back into the closet .I ran down the stairs ignoring what Edward had said and Esme was running around with her arms going around in cirles screaming "WHAT THE FUCK DID I MARRY YOU ARE A DOCTOR MAN OKAY A DOCTOR JUST HELP HER CARLISLE HELP HER SHE NEEDS HELP WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU!"While running around the sitting room(That made me wonder what I married).At that moment Bella walked in through the front door "Whats wrong!" she "said sounding concerned ,"Alice doesn't want to go shopping "Emmett said calmly .She through her bag of books that she bought at the bookstore and ran out the door screaming "FREEDOM! AT LAST!"."She was obviously highly upset about this and she was pretending it wasn't even happening"Emmett said .I face palmed myself .What a stupid child ,never mind what did I marry ,what did I do wrong to deserve that thing (a.k.a Emmett).

Apov:

What is happening ! Do they even know that when the doctors look at me I wont even have a heartbeat they are obviously gonna know something is wrong .Now I've found myself in the weirdest possition I AM BEING THE SMART ONE!Now this doesnt happen much, maybe nearly every century or so as most of my brain is dedicated to shopping ,fashion and sparkly things espeically my car of course. I don't clean it Emmett does ,well he doesn't intentionally do it obviously I out smart his useless mind .Anyway back to the point lets recap I am in Carlilse's unbreakable grip in the sitting room with Esme running around with her arms going round like spirals ,While Emmett sits calmly watching t.v , Rosalie's in the corner mumbling something about not wanting to be left alone with Bella ,Jaspers sitting in a ball worring about me saying something about me being his life Renesme is bawling ,Bella is running through the forest screaming freedom and Edward is ...where is Edward? Just as I thought that he stepped out of the sitting room cuboard and said "the ambulance is here".

**I know its short but we have been very busy lately :( Plus whats Alice gonna do when she gets to the hospital ? And while your waiting just click on the little review button down there and REVIEW! Criticism welcome but anything rude will be deleted .**


	7. Dr Emmett

BPOV:

I ran around the forest ten thousand times at the speed of light I was so happy .I wont be draggedshopping anywhere ,hmmmmm I hope she stays like that.

JasPOV:

OH MY MARSHMELLOW!she is gonna die!...mabye not die thats impossible but if still what if she will never be the same again !

EMPOV:

Everyone started walking out to the ambulance with Renesme bawling walking slowly after them and everyone but Carlilse(he was going in the ambulance) was deciding what car to go in and who to go with ."Ness " I called ."Yes Emmy?", she sniffled. "We can go in my jeep if you want ? "I asked."Okay",she replied and sniffed took us five minutes to get to the we arrived everyone was at the reception desk arguing with the woman."UH eh ehm you do realise this is not in anyway serious or life threatening ?" she asked ! whats wrong with her ."Well Linda, you do not know my daughter and this is very serious when it comes to her,do you even know how many times she goes shopping a day?"Carlisle asked ."No of course not but" ,she got cut of ."Five ! She usually goes shopping five times a day"."Still I cannot permit her to stay here when there is nothing wrong".Now while all this is going on Jasper has Alice in a tight grip like he was going to lose her any secound and Esme was holding her hand like Alice was going to die .Bella was happily reading a magazine in the waiting room while Edward was...well I honestly have no idea where Edward just leaves me and Renesme .I turned to her grinning like I just won the lottery .Emmett and Nessie adventure time hehe .I picked her up and put her over my shoulder and ran down the hall singing the X-men theme song earning a few strange looks. Hmmm the amount of mischief we could cause in the hospital,mabye this is why Carlisle never brings me to work with him.I decided to play doctor Emmett oh this is going to end well.I am just the best role model for Renesme.

Note:I know it looks like Renesme has been cut out of a lot of chapters but she will make lots of appearances in the upcoming chapters ,espeically the next one.


	8. Leaving The Hospital Cullen style

NessiePov :

Somebody help me anybody! The madman has kidnapped me ! What does aunt Rose see in this big STUPID OAF of a vampire! Seriously its like empty up in his head .Maybe when he was changed it effected his brain ...alot .Or maybe the bear had something to do with it or when he was a baby his mom dropped him on the head ..alot .We passed many wards and hallways with doctors nurses and patients staring at us weirdly as I am over the shoulder of a huge dude running down a hospital hallway singing the X-Men theme song .Whats with that anyway?Ugh where is daddy when you need him, wait where is he anyway? Just as I thought that a random cuboard in the hospital rattled and he opened the door "In here "he whispered and closed the door.

Empov :

WTF? I thought I was the weird one now my brother hides in small confined spaces with doors .Hmmm probably to hide from Bella .Me being me just turned around and kept on running leaving the creeped out doctors and nurses behind .

NessiePov:

And I said Emmett was dropped on his head maybe I confused him with daddy.I looked behind and saw a familiar figure running towards us well running down the hall. Jasper?Thank god! He can save me !

JasPov:

I left Alice in the waiting room with Esme and started running around freaking out because no one will help her.I ran down the same hallway that Emmett was running down and when I reached the doctors I screamed "Why wont you idiots help my WIFE! ".And continued running .

NessiePov:

He then stopped at the nurses and doctors and screamed "Why wont you idiots help my WIFE! " and started running again .Emmett turned around at the familiar voice and looked annnoyed.

EmPov:

Seriously him too you can't be serious! It's my job to be strange ,crazy and annoying not Edward and Jasper ,why do they keep trying to steal my role ! I turned back around and ran round the corner and spotted the..the..Oh its the announcer thingy !(I think) It looks fun .I picked it up "I need nurses to the 3rd floor for (just then they started running )I kept reapeating "I need nurses to the 3rd floor for " untill they would be up there and then finished with "For no apparent reason thank you ".A nurse that walked out of the ward saw what happend and looked furious Shit!.

NessiePov:

Oh God no! We are in deep trouble now .Jasper rounded the corner and looked curious and walked over he obviously felt my feelings of fear and anger .

EmPov:

"I am going to have to take your name please sir"she said ."Um (Then I god an idea of pure genius )Edward Cullen"I said .Ness and Jas shot me a glare but I didn't really care I had to escape ."Okay sir do you have any parents I can speak to here ?"She asked ."I will tell you when you let me run away !"I screamed and ran with Ness over my shoulder and Jasper following close behind .I got to the information desk and accidently bumped into Esme which set Alice free."You are a saint" she screamed and ran out the door ,I quickly followed with Jas behind and called over my shoulder "If anyone asks I am Edward Cullen !".At that Edward looked confused untill he read my mind and looked angry that was definately my cue to run out the door.(When did he leave that cuboard anyway).Edward angrily ran after me with Carlilse and Esme after him to stop him .Then Rosalie turned to the girl at the desk said thanks and then went to get Bella and they linked arms and practically skipped out of the hospital .Not a sight you witness everyday.

NessiePov:

This is ridiculous somebody Freakin' Help!


End file.
